I’m sitting here at work I havent slept yet because I had to walk to work for 2 and half hours. , and a million thoughts are going through my head. I know that my troubles are but a drop in a huge ocean, but what is an ocean but a multitude of drops. So heres how I fall. I think I ‘ll begin in the tale of recent events rather than give you my entire life story. Last year, I lost my close friend Tim Draper. Losing someone is always an interesting experience, especially if there is a open casket. You look down at them as though you expect them to just open their eyes and sit up and say “hey I am cool lets go have a beer”. Then you realize that one day you will be the one lying there, and maybe some or alot are saying bye, but for most it seems to be the only time they really ever cared and felt anything. then at the end of the year ( 2013). I lost my grandmother to bone cancer. For a couple months I slowly watched it take her and whittle her down, to an empty shell of her former self. It was only then I realized and the time to come soon after in the coming year as I spent five months in jail. That I lost the only person who ever really cared about me at all and was willing to do anything to make sure I was ok. Now usually when she sat crying, and I happen to come upon her I would give her my shoulder . But this one fucking time, I heard her I chose to be selfish and not go to her. How I wish now I would have went her to. Then in 2014 after getting out of jail, 3 days later my mother passes away in jail for truancy fines. There was no open casket.
I love how at the end my grandfather who has alzheimers. His family “my uncle” finally began to suddenly want to come down. He convinced my grandfather to change the will because my grandfathers name is on the will so he has permission to change the part that does with the house. I was supposed to get 55k and so was my sister. But the money isnt the point, If it meant losing my grandmother, I didnt want a single dime. I just wanted some fucking justice god damnt. where were they while I had to watch my grandfathers mind slowly whane. I dealt with his insults as his temper was so easily provoked. and yet I loved them, I loved them so deeply that even though I wept when, my grandfather began calling me by different names after living with him with 13 years and slowlyy begin to forget who I was, I loved him and stayed with them till the end. My grandfather is still living but by himself, because his son and my aunt didnt want to take him in. So they convinced him to get his own place with the money from the house that was far under its actual value. however his son convinced him it might be best to keep it at a “reasonable price”. So now , after all this , I am here working a minimum wage job barely getting by. I am homeless, and I am taking showers at my local gym and washing my clothes in a laundromat. that part isnt bad actually I dont mind that. I actually enjoy hard work, it keeps my mind busy so the weight of an ocean isn’t falling onto me. By the way, I am a lucid dreamer, so my dreams are unbelievably real. There are times when I dream of the ones I lost. my father, grandmother, my mother, and tim. I hate how I wake up crying ,calling out there names. I am a stoic person, so letting my pain be seen is just something unbearable. I also hate that the only place I can ever really be honest with myself and let go is in my dreams. The worst part of today is, I am on dish. So I will be in the back and I am so afraid of just breaking down and crying because I have the chance. What scares me even more is that I want I nothing more than to just cry. To lay my head in someones lap and let it all just flow from me. I am scared to feel, because if I do. I know that at every moment of the day I am on the verge of tears no matter how happy I am in the moment. It could be a simple thing, a mere piece of music. A daydream of one of my stories I am writing.
but I wanna share something I wrote for the ones who went on the long walk ahead.
Sometimes I wake up crying, shaking because I was dreaming of you . I’ve said goodbye 100 times, and dreamt it a thousand more. Some people went to your funeral, they said goodbyes and they left it there. Some…not many ,took it with them. But every night, I dream of you guys. I see you and I know its a dream, because its the only place I can hear your voices anymore. Watch the illusion of life, animate your faces once again. Every night I am still trying to find a way to say sorry, to say what I should of said, but never did. I would like to say I will see you again, but unlike many others, I dont lie to myself. I’m definitely going to hell and thats fine, because I’d burn for the ones I love.- Ash Bierman